Depression. It feels like a thousand pound weight holding your body down in a pool of water, barely reaching your chin. So no matter how your neck hurts you have to keep your head up to survive. It’s finally falling asleep and waking up so pissed off for no apparent reason. It’s pushing everyone that loves you away as humanly possible because you don’t deserve them. You don’t deserve their care or love. “Are you fine? Yes, I’m doing great. I’m alright.” It’s a lie you say daily that’s believed by everyone. It’s applying a clown face and pretending everything is cool and content when you know you will explode any minute. It’s feeling lonely in a room full of people. But a true woman shuts her pain in, wipes her tears off, keeps her head up and smiles believing that she’s strong enough to face all of this.
In a dark night, with the rain falling down my face, I stared out of a lone-lit bedroom window. I looked up to the stars, with drops on the window tracing mirror images of the tears running down my face. “I’m imperfect”, those two words kept repeating themselves inside my mind. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel so pretty as my friends or actually…my fake friends that betrayed me. I used to sit alone and not communicate with anyone because I didn’t want to listen to anymore lies. I was so good at faking a smile every morning but I didn’t know how to hide my pain behind my eyes. However, it didn’t matter because nobody ever tried looking deep into my eyes and think about the mess inside my head.
Music was my drug. I remember how drops of tears used to roll down my cheeks whenever my fingers touched those piano keys. I remember how those beautiful notes entered my ears and gave me magical emotions while shutting my eyes. I often wondered how a lot people got through the day without listening to music at least once. How one physically can get themselves through the entire day without hearing a melody, listening to lyrics and feeling music throughout their whole body. I was someone for whom music was my constant, my escape, and my stability.
“You Only Live Once” was a false statement that the whole world believed. I wanted everyone to believe that every day you have new opportunities. You have chances to change your life in different ways. To change yourself. I was living in a generation where everyone interacted with little graphics on screens instead of communicating with each other. I lived in a world where depressed people were nothing but just humans living their whole life waiting for death. I lived in a world where 90% of depressed people were teenagers.
I guess I was different. I was different for the way I thought, felt and acted. I knew that this life isn’t fair. I knew that not everyone can get whatever they need or want. I knew that no matter how tough you are, something will beat you down one day. But the question is, who has the strength and courage to get up again?
I believed that the biggest enemy I had to face was myself. I believed that life was painful. Feeling pain was a way to learn about myself and it was also the motivation to make improvements. I knew that if I avoided pain I avoid the message from within. The lessons were always about me. Which mistakes did I make and which changes do I need to make. I knew that I can’t change the past because every lesson was for today and tomorrow only. Not yesterday.
I thought that I was the only one that knew how it’s like to be drowning in a pool of pain until he entered my life. Who’s he? Adam. He was the only different guy that I’ve ever met in my life. He knew how it’s like to be under pressure and stress. I wondered how was he so different and it turned out that he lost his mother when he was 11. I couldn’t imagine how hard was it for him to pass through those hard times because losing your mother is worse than losing yourself.
It was our senior school year. He used to sit alone in class and sketch beautiful drawings that showed the horrible mess in his mind. He wasn’t like those popular guys at school that all they cared about was attention. He had a deep soul.
One day, I was in a rush cause I had a physics exam and had to improve my grades. I was running to class until I pumped into him. “God! Sorry…umm I’m sorry.”, I said while staring at his green eyes where you can see the whole universe. “It’s fine beautiful. Looks like you’re worried.”, he replied with a smile. “Uhhm yeah I h-have a physics exam so I’m f-freaking out.”, I mumbled out the words nervously. “It’s going to be fine, I promise and…good Luck”. “THANK YOU!!”, I yelled while running. I couldn’t concentrate in the exam. I couldn’t forget his smile or deep eyes that stuck in my mind but I loved it.
Two days later I walked up to him and talked for a couple of minutes. We didn’t have time to introduce ourselves the last time so we did at this moment. Day by day we started sitting together and became best friends. He made me appreciate the presence of my loving mother in my life that treated him just like her son and used to calm us down while we were in pain. We became stronger together and started getting high grades. We shared stories and secrets. He was the only person that made me believe that I didn’t lose my beauty cause he taught me that true beauty is in your heart, mind and soul.